Strangers....

I've always heard people talk about moving on after a hard breakup; I've always seen people get with someone else almost right away and I always shook my head, baffled at how you could just leave the one you used to love behind. I though it was wrong, I thought it couldn't happen. Just moving from one person to another like they were just toys. It sickened me to death. I remember when my friend went through her first real breakup; she was depressed, I'm sure, and very sad and confused. Granted, the reasons were right were them to end it, but still. Another friend of mine had an online relationship, to which I just rolled me eyes at that, because how can you possibly love someone over Facebook? When that ended, I was almost relieved so that I wouldn't hear any more of it. For four years, I shook my head at everyone else, for 4 years, I watched others move on while I stuck happily with one person. I actually felt pride that I got through high school with one guy. I couldn't picture myself with anyone else, nor did I want anyone else. 

I went through the years just as carefree and happy as when I was a child. Nothing bothered me; I refused to let things eat me up. I looked at every situation with a shrug and a confident smirk, coming up with some quick remark on how to easily fix it. When things got serious and hard, I still kept that. I refused to cry in front of anyone; what may have hurt someone else just slipped past me because I never gave it a second thought. I put a smile on each day, except when I was pissed or annoyed. I was snappy and quick to comment back, quick to judge. However, all of that came to a screeching halt when I let everything slip away. 

Then it ended. 

Four years. Start to finish. With one person. 1,460 days. 48 months. 35,063 hours. 

And it happened way too fast. Maybe I saw it coming. I certainly knew there would be trouble on the horizon, I just didn't know what. But I never thought it would be like that. In a matter of minutes, it was over. I woke up wanting to fix things, but went to sleep with nothing. I was too late. And I never realized it until now. All of those times I could've been there, all of times I should've been defending him instead of turning away like a coward. All of those small insults, random comments that could've hurt. All of those little things that only seem to matter now. All those physical moments where I refused, was too stubborn, all of those empty promises "just because I didn't want too." So much more I could've done for him. 

So much regret. So much hurt. So much pain. If someone asked me, "Would you get back with him if you had the chance?" The answer would be yes. In a heartbeat. I felt like I've let his whole family down. His father seemed to show a lot of promise towards us and what did I do for them? Hurt his son more than once and just walk away. We had so many people against us, so many things that were passed around. My mom, well, that's a whole different story. She hated him. All because of the things she found out that happened. The cheating, the watching him with other girls, the way he acted like he was a full grown adult when he was only still a teenager. All those little things adding up in her mind. She literally stalked us. Maybe it was partially her fault that it ended. At least now we get peace and quiet from it all. 

Maybe it's just the holiday season, with so much talk about love and sharing, all I can do is look to the stars and choke up every time I think about. I can't even think of the happy times; it's just too painful. And there's so much that reminds me of him. I floor it every time I see his car, or someone else driving a similar vehicle. I can't go ice skating without breaking down because that's where everything started and ended. I can't smile and laugh about him. I can't even agree with the jokes others make. Whenever we meet again, I can't look him straight in the eyes. I can't face him; I don't have the strength. I'm too fearful because I know if he rejects me, I won't be able to live with myself. I can't tell him I have so much regret and so much pain. Because it never be the same again. Never. 

I've met a few others over the summer, but I can't picture myself falling for anyone else. It'll take years of knowing just one person for that to happen. I can't listen to slow songs, I can't handle chick flicks, anything with a relationship. 

Maybe I'm taking this way too far. But to honest, I can't wait to see him again, because then I'll know. If just being friends is all it takes, I'll take it and never look back. Anything but this emptiness. I miss all of those late-night talks, the joking around, the comments. Why didn't I compliment him more? What the hell is wrong with me? 

I used to just shake me head and say, "That'll never be me," but that's who I've become. 

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Credits on photo.